My professional, completely correct takes on what people should and shouldn’t be doing.

INS:

That girl who made fun of Ronaldo: Tell me one thing she said that wasn’t factually correct…Ronaldo DID lose and he WAS crying in his car! Also, if you are a grown man bullying a child over soccer players you need to seriously reevaluate your life choices.

Tomatoes: If you don’t like tomatoes you need to grow up and I’m serious.

Earmuffs: They’re so cute! Like little shoes for your ears!

School deli sandwiches: They actually make me so much more excited to come to school.

Cecily Strong: I don’t even watch SNL anymore (sorry, Ben Tytell), but I am so sad that she left.

William Jackson Harper: Slayed as Chidi in “The Good Place,” slayed in “The Resort” and slayed as best he could in “Midsommar”!

Silly bands: Trading silly bands in kindergarten was literally the stock market for children.

Monica Lewinsky: I want to be her best friend, and she did nothing wrong.

British people singing Britishly: It confuses me so much when they sing with an American accent…I don’t want to get attached to a singer only to later find out they’re British!

The Kendall Roy edit to Thursday Girl by Mitski: I’m submitting this for Oscar consideration. Mitski considers it the best thing to ever happen to her on the internet!

OUTS:

Wearing your backpack on only one shoulder: No one thinks you look cool, I promise.

Teachers calling assessments “Quests:” Please just make it a test.

Coconuts: When I was little I would tell people I was allergic to coconuts just because I hated them so much.

Gloves: They make me feel like my hands are being strangled to death.

Ken Jennings hosting Jeopardy!: He is not funny. I miss Mayim Bialik so much, please bring her back full time.

Apple Sauce: Much like Hollyhock from Bojack Horseman, I find it way too slimy!

16personalities.com: I hate being pretentious about things, but if you tell me you are an “INFP-T”, I’m going to assume you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Noodletools: Top 10 most frustrating websites ever.

People who wear shorts in the winter: Grow up and invest in some jeans. Nobody wants to see your neon orange basketball shorts when it’s 20 degrees out.

“The Fabelmans:” Steven Spielberg, I am sorry but there was no reason for the movie to be that long.