So, you scored a tear-inducing 38 percent on your first math test. Or, due to some freak clerical error, you started your school year with five back-to-back free blocks. Maybe you’re not even the problem, it’s your tablemate in English who is a part of five different political cults across the spectrum, none of which are socially acceptable to be associated with.
Whatever the case, you need to switch out of your current class and into another. You could consult the handbook, but it won’t give you the tips and tricks you need to navigate the modern scheduling system. Instead, follow this guide, which has been perfected after several weeks of painful personal experience.
1. Schedule a meeting with your guidance counselor
This step is relatively straightforward. Email your guidance counselor, tell them when you’re available, and wait. When your guidance counselor emails back, they’ll let you know that the only two times they are available are a Z-block three Tuesdays from now or today, two hours ago. Most students would settle for the meeting three Tuesdays from now, but not you. Instead, invent a time machine and rewind to two hours ago. This achievement will also look good on your college application, so you’re really killing two birds with one stone.
2. Meet with your guidance counselor
When you sit down in your guidance counselor’s office and open Aspen, you will likely discover that it is impossible to switch into your first-choice class – or your second, third or fourth choices. You’d never realized how popular the senior-level English class Stranger in a Strange Land was, but suddenly, five of your friends are clamoring to switch into it, every section is overfilled and nobody can get a seat. “Tough luck, buddy,” your guidance counselor says, but you’ll be sixth in line as soon as any spots open up.
3. Pray that somebody drops the class
You can’t just rely on sheer luck and happenstance to see whether you can get into Stranger in a Strange Land. As much as you love those five friends, you need this class more than they do. So, head to your nearest place of worship, and pray. If you aren’t religious, there are plenty of ways to convert to a religion. It’s not specifically about who you pray to, but it’s best to get a higher power on your side.
4. Bribe the curriculum coordinator
Maybe, in this case, “higher power” actually means curriculum coordinator. If you could just get the department head to add a seat in the class you want to switch to, your problems would be solved. So, shower your department head of choice with vacations on superyachts, private jets to luxury resorts and free trips to sunbathe on the beaches of Turks & Caicos. If it works with Supreme Court Justices, it’ll work for a high school department head, right?
5. Sacrifice a quail
Unfortunately, it doesn’t. After jet skiing in Bora Bora for a month on your dime, English Curriculum Coordinator Schmohn Schmandrews decides that his true passion lies in becoming a professional jet skier and tragically quits his job. You don’t have enough money to bribe the new curriculum coordinator. Nobody has dropped the class. You’re running out of options.
It’s time to turn to the demonic and start sacrificing animals to evil lords. Usually, you’d want something bigger, but since you’re a little tight on budget, a quail will have to do.
Don’t worry, choosing the right quail is simple. Some supermarkets, like Whole Foods and Wegmans, have fresh quails stocked in their “back to school” section for this very purpose. If you’d rather support local farms, call at least 24 hours before visiting. They’ll likely be happy to help you pick out the perfect quail. After that, drip candle wax in a pentagram shape and chant your favorite summoning curse for 12-15 minutes. The evil lords will take care of the rest.
6. Schedule a follow-up meeting with your guidance counselor
After all this praying, bribing and sacrificing quails to dark lords, you’re confident that at least something in the cosmos has shifted. It’s time to check in with your guidance counselor again to see if your work has paid off.
7. Give up
Your guidance counselor, unlike your ex, has the decency to break the news to you in person: there are still no open spots in Stranger in a Strange Land. You sink to your knees in their office, sobbing in despair. Although one of the school mantras is we are not done yet, you feel like you are. Even the evil lords have failed you. You slink back to the same English class with the five-time political cultist, tail tucked between your legs.
DISCLAIMER: Switching classes nowadays is a hard process. It’s like a lottery, where you can buy more tickets to increase your odds, but really, nothing is guaranteed. This guide is 100 percent legitimate – but as with everything, it isn’t foolproof.
