Open your phone. It’s right there, sitting in your pocket. Go on, pick it up. You know you want to. Sitting in class? Need to bump a scroll? It’s right there—a window into the fourth dimension—unrestricted access to the world in the palm of your hand. Go on, do it. Get locked in on your double portion of brainrot for the day.
Turn your brightness allllllll the way up. Put your headphones in, sit down and get to scrolling. Forget about actually eating, you gotta feed your indispensable desire for a constant stream of stimulation. If you don’t spend every waking moment consuming every ounce of content available, you’ll fall behind the curve.
You don’t wanna not understand the reference, do you? You don’t wanna feel left out, right? I mean, everybody else knows what I’m talking about. I’m willing to bet they’ve all seen that one guy on TikTok. You know, that one guy? Or maybe it’s that other guy on Instagram who makes videos of himself doing that other thing. Have you heard that one song on TikTok that goes like that?
You’d rather go outside? Forget about it. You gotta start putting the work in on your doom scroll. The grind never stops. Someone tries to convince you to touch grass? Just scroll instead. Take a shower? Nah, just take one after you scroll for a little bit longer. You need to get a job? What’s that? What’s a j-o-b?
Yes, we’re unemployed. Yes, we’re chopped. Yes, we’re ALL cooked. We might looksmax and mew in Ohio, but no, we are not sigma. We have no aura, no rizz, no drip, we’re NPCs and we are broke as hell, but who needs a source of income when you got Dequavius Pork pay and properties in Egypt?
Forget your family. Now, it’s just AJ, Big Justice and The Rizzler. Forget your faith, too. Pray to Skibidi Toilet instead. Why would you want to spend your time doing anything productive or meaningful when you can watch Druski and Kai Cenat or study the downfall of the Hawk Tuah girl? Stay in touch with IShowSpeed and Mr. Beast. Idolize people who see you as another source of engagement.
Take a sip of your Johnnie Walker, and play a bit of Block Blast here and there. Matter of fact, turn the TV on too. It doesn’t matter what’s on, you’re not gonna watch it anyway if it isn’t AI Peter Griffin storytimes with Minecraft parkour underneath. Why watch a football game when you could watch Baby Gronk be a sussy baka? You could watch a documentary, but why do that when Joshua Block is still putting the fries in the bag? Why watch a movie when you can watch entire episodes of Young Sheldon segmented across 45 videos? (You’re still waiting for them to post part 46).
Forget your friends—you can communicate with them exclusively by sending them reels they’ve already seen. Bro isn’t gonna watch that Walter White edit you sent him, but he might watch the LeBron one. Fine shyt isn’t gonna see your repost, but she might watch your story.
Pat yourself on the back for watching a video that’s longer than sixty seconds. Give yourself a round of applause for watching a video without soap-cutting videos and Subway Surfers gameplay underneath. Good for you. Maybe your attention span isn’t donezo after all.
Watch a video that gets you mad. Watch something that really gets your blood boiling. Convince yourself to waste time and energy getting upset about everything. Hate people who disagree with you. Feed into the rage-bait. Get upset. If you aren’t utterly furious about something online, you aren’t being monetized properly.
Open the comments and look for someone who agrees with you. Phew, thank gyatt. Some bot named @freakbob_395819 commented exactly what you were thinking. You should give them a stamp of approval and like their comment. But wait, there are more pointless arguments in the replies section—notoriously a place meant for only the highest forms of intellectual discourse.
Feed into the divisive propaganda and be a free-thinking sheep, argue with these people you’ve never met and never will meet about things of absolutely no consequence. It doesn’t matter what the video is even about. Anything you see online can (and will) be argued about endlessly in the cesspool of the comment section. Most of the time it’s politics, but occasionally someone says something funny and you get a good chuckle.
Wait, you wanna close the app? Why? You have a massive test coming up? You know what else is massive? The next reel. Just one more scroll. Come oooonnnn. Don’t get off the app. How could you not love it? The algorithm was designed for you, by you, brick by brick. It’s tailored to your liking. The greatest minds at the biggest companies in the world have studied you for hours upon hours upon hours upon hours. They’ve sat back and observed your behavior meticulously for years to give you precisely what you like. If you’re not scrolling, you’re not being monetized properly, so never leave the app. Ever.
I don’t think you could even if you wanted to. You’re just gonna close the app, compulsively itch your neck, impatiently fiddle your thumbs, crash out for roughly twenty seconds, then open it back up again. Okay, let’s compromise. You’ll close the app and get started on that frickin’ packet once it hits 8 p.m., fair? Just keep enjoying your scroll until then. It’s already 8:09 p.m.? I guess you’ll just have to start studying at 8:30 p.m.
“Maybe I’ll try putting a time limit on certain apps so I don’t look at my phone all the time,” said the idiot who put a time limit on certain apps so he doesn’t look at his phone all the time. I wonder how long it’s gonna take bro to realize he knows his own screen time password, and he can just override ts whenever he wants. “Fifteen more minutes?” Yes, please!
You think you could go cold turkey? You think you could delete it? Cap. Go ahead, try, I bet you can’t. We both know you can’t supplement your unflinching addiction to brainrot with anything else. There’s nothing that gives you that kind of rush. If you deleted TikTok or Instagram, you’d just end up on YouTube Shorts watching a different strain of the same nonsense.
Dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. Don’t think about anything else, just get your next fix. Consume content as much as you let it consume you. Exist in the collective irony. Everything becomes a reference, every song in your playlist is suddenly a TikTok song, and every last one of your fits is taken directly from the Instagram explore page. Perfect. You’re exactly where you need to be. You’ve sacrificed your sense of humor, your attention span and your autonomy for the sake of short form gratification.
Mom was wrong, it’s not because of that damn phone. So keep scrolling. Stay in the loop. Be chronically online. Never stop. Let your brain rot.