SATIRE: Humble Legacy Headed to Yale


Graphic by Oliver Fox

Rhodes has not yet graduated from college (or high school), but his future at Yale is set in stone. This degree is a prototype for what he shall receive in six short years.

At Brookline High School, every student is destined for something different. Some will go to state schools, some to private colleges, some to the workforce, and even some to the military. However, the class of 2022 has a truly special member who already knows what his future holds. Connor Preston Rhodes, who asked that we include his middle name, will be attending Yale after graduating.

When asked how he knew he would be in Yale’s class of 2026, Rhodes replied, “The acceptance rate for legacies at Yale is 34 percent. Both my parents went there, and my dad went to med school there too. That’s like three legacies times 34 percent, or an 81 percent chance of getting in.”

Rhodes is already an accomplished student at the high school, which he sees as another reason for his definite admission to Yale. “I mean, it’s not like I wouldn’t be getting in on merit. I came in sixteenth at the last cross country invitational, so you could say I’m a cross country star. I’m secretary treasurer of the Marketing Club. I technically ran for student government last year. And, I take all honors classes. Except for standard chemistry and English.”

Rhodes was just being modest — his Instagram account also features a picture of him posing with a sizeable fish that he caught all by himself. “If I got into Yale, it’d be because of my accomplishments, not because my parents went there or offered to make a donation if I get accepted.”

News of Rhodes’ future success has spread across the entire class of 2022. When asked whether she had heard about Rhodes’ prospects, sophomore Julia Goldman responded, “I’m aware.” After further prompting, she added, “He offered me $65 last week to write his history paper for him.” She neglected to comment on whether she took the deal.

Rhodes also inspires his fellow students to do better. “Every time Connor speaks in class, I just have this inexplicable urge to raise my hand and say the opposite thing,” said Goldman. “Once, he said that poor people should just ‘grind harder,’ and my participation grade that quarter increased by 14 percent.”

However, some of Rhodes’ classmates don’t believe he should be advertising his future. Senior Mallory Lee who has recently applied early decision to Yale, commented, “It’s not fair that this sophomore who hasn’t ever taken an AP class or an SAT in his life already knows where he’s gonna go. I’ve taken APUSH, AP Gov, AP Stat, BC Calc, AP Chinese, AP Chem, and AP Physics C. I got a 1590 on my SAT. And this kid’s still gonna get in over people like me just because my parents decided they wanted to go to Princeton and NYU instead of Yale!”

Despite this burdensome adversity, Rhodes remains strong in his convictions. “To those who say it’s not fair that legacies get a better shot at admissions, I’d say this: It’s not my fault my parents are just harder workers than your parents. I’m not a bad person for taking advantage of the opportunities given to me. Also, it’s not like it’s any different from Affirmative Action.”

To his fellow students at Brookline High who aspire to a similar future, Rhodes gives this advice: “It’s all about perseverance, and most of all, hard work.”