Midterms are approaching faster than you can say “Wait, I need to reschedule my test!” During this hectic time of year, it is most important to manage stress in effective ways. Research* has shown that the REST method works best.
R – Resist the urge to relax
Tense your shoulders, ball your fists, hasten your breath and let the stress of the moment wash over you. Try to engage all five senses to ground yourself in the present. Think of things you can touch, for example, the calculator you forgot to charge; the things you can smell: your anxiety sweat (oh crap! Did you forget to put on deodorant again this morning?!); the things you can see: the English teacher who will grade your essay as if you murdered their dog in cold blood; and the things you can hear: every voice in the hallway saying, “I’m so cooked,” “I did not study for this” and “how big is the curve?”
E – Even if you want to, never stop working
Most of the zombies heaving themselves through the school hallways, drunk on energy drinks, are not doing enough of one activity: work. You thought your six hours of notes last night were a lot? Jeremy from your math class has gotten over fifty volunteer hours tutoring underprivileged sewer rats. Take notes! And I mean, who needs to see the sun or touch grass anyway? Optometrists recommend two to 25 hours a day of close work to optimize strain on the eyes and ensure a future need for glasses. So stay inside, forget happiness and make sure that for the entire midterms week you never stop working.
S – Stay awake, do not sleep
Sure, it feels nice to be well rested, but doesn’t it feel so much better to complain to your friends about how you only slept for half an hour last night? Avoiding sleep also adds the benefit of a justification for your inevitable failure on the midterm. For the easy price of just two hours of sleep, you too can gloat about how impressive your 65 percent on the History midterm was, considering your head barely touched your pillow the night before.
T – Try to drink as much caffeine as possible
There is nothing more spiritually enriching than waking up early for the math midterm you planned on “YOLO-ing” for the last four months. Feel the headache forming as you force down that Dunkin’ sewage water that they sell as coffee and sit there jittery, anxious, with your bladder about to burst, as you try to recall that one formula you could’ve sworn you memorized.
Our research shows that following these simple steps will guarantee a 70 percent increase in your desire to drop out of high school and, with all that Celsius you’ve been chugging, may even lead to early-onset heart problems. What an incredible college essay that would be! So start thinking about your future today and REST.
*At the Ethan Bracha Institute of Making Stuff Up we use the term “research” very loosely to describe information we get from trustworthy sources such as dreams, TikTok, ChatGPT and “just trust me, bro.”
