The “friendship breakup” is a disheartening experience. On several occasions, I have watched a friend become preoccupied with a new romantic partner. While this shift can make the friendship feel momentarily threatened, I’ve found that the bond eventually returns to its original dynamic as that relationship either matures or ends. Though this supposed threat can be concerning, it is also nice for both individuals to understand that the friendship is always there, despite decreasing time spent together. While high school friendships are expected to be temporary, there is a comforting permanence in friendship.
Friendships can end for a variety of reasons, including disagreements regarding goals for the future, feeling undervalued or simply drifting apart. No matter the reason, there is a certain expectation for friendships to be immune to shifting life stages; these high expectations result in a unique sadness regarding the loss of a friend.
Schools present a unique social environment: one in which individuals are, to a large extent, compelled to form friendships. You see people in the same classes, sports and clubs every day. Not only is there proximity, but shared interests through these activities as well. In this setting, friendships emerge quickly and feel intensely significant.
Yet, as graduation approaches, it becomes clear that many of these relationships are temporary. I can envision many of my friendships enduring beyond high school; however, I can’t help but see many of the friends with whom I have spent hours in class fading, becoming little more than memories. Friendships that I thought were built on true connection may simply have been due to proximity.
This reality invites a question:: if high school friendships are frequently fleeting, why does their end, or simply their weakening, feel so particularly brutal? Why do I, and others, expect these friendships formed from proximity to meet such intense standards of permanence and depth?
One source of this tension lies in expectation. High school is an undeniably stressful time. From venting to late-night car rides, friends are a key source of support. But, in difficult stretches, offering support to friends can become difficult. It can be hard to offer your friend a shoulder to lean on when you yourself feel unstable.
During my time at the high school, I have often observed that when friendships naturally shift or dissolve, many of my friends carry the change as personal or moral failure. For this reason, while they are special and joyful, friendships can also be a responsibility.
However, this interpretation may be misguided.
In Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle distinguishes among three types of friendship: those of utility, those of pleasure and the “perfect” friendship.
Friendships of utility are grounded in mutual benefit. The friendship is dependent on its usefulness, which is a shifting quality that “differs at different times. When the motive of the friendship has passed away, the friendship itself is dissolved, having existed merely as a means to that end.” Think of two friends who met in an AP class and spend their time together studying. These two individuals see each other often, likely enjoy their time together and respect one another as intellectuals; however, if the relationship does not deepen, it may end with the completion of the AP exam.
Friendships of pleasure are based on shared enjoyment and are particularly brief, as interests and identities evolve. The individuals “pursue what is pleasant to themselves, and the object of the moment. And the things that please them change as their age alters; hence they both form friendships and drop them quickly.”
For example, consider two friends who meet through forming a band. They spend time together outside of school, share taste in music and have mutual friends. But if one friend abandons their instrument, the friendship is likely to fizzle out.
Finally, perfect friendships are founded upon mutual respect for virtue, in which individuals seek each other’s good. The participants “resemble each other in virtue [and] wish each alike the other’s good in respect of their goodness, [loving] each other for themselves.” This resembles what is often understood as a close friendship. A multitude of interests, jokes and history is shared. The friendship survives and evolves with the individuals.
Many imagine that a healthy friendship of this nature will stand the test of time. Still, just as a friendship of pleasure or utility may develop into one of perfection, so too may a perfect friendship diminish into one of pleasure or utility.
The issue is not that high school friendships fail to meet the standard of perfect friendship, but that they are often expected to. This expectation imposes an unrealistic burden. Perfect friendship, as Aristotle defines it, “lasts as long as [the friends] continue to be good; and virtue is a permanent quality.” Friendship requires a stability of character and a consistency of values that are still in development. To demand such a relationship in high school is to misunderstand both the nature of friendship and the nature of growth.
Recognizing friendships of utility and pleasure as valid forms of connection does not diminish their significance; rather, it acknowledges their role in a period of rapid change. Their impermanence is not a flaw.
From this perspective, the dissolution of a friendship does not necessarily indicate failure or wrongdoing. I feel high school friendships are often treated too seriously; they are not as deep as we imagine, but that does not mean they lack importance. Their dissolutions should not be seen as a failure. I know that I, and many I know, have experienced great stress over hoping to be the perfect friend, and to preserve what may no longer be a perfect friendship.
To understand friendships instead as serving simply joy allows for a more accurate and less burdensome view. I suggest that people allow themselves to embrace the simple joys of friendship without the anxiety of achieving a perfect moral bond. Simply put: invite your friends to spend time together when you genuinely want to, and feel free to decline outings that don’t interest you.
These choices shouldn’t be seen as a reflection of the friendship’s quality, but rather as a reflection of your current wants. A good friend, whether of utility, pleasure or perfection, should want the same. Though Aristotle may not bestow the title of perfection upon friendships of utility and pleasure, he nonetheless grants them the title of friendship.
