As he dried his tears with a fresh box of five-ply Kleenex Soothing Lotion Facial Tissues with Coconut Oil and Eucalyptus Extract, Superintendent Dr. Minus Millory shakily announced a new round of budget cuts. In addition to printer paper and music as a concept in general, fire alarms will be among some of the many things going extinct in the 2025-26 school year.

“I know this is a devastating loss to the Brookline community, but I hope we can take this as a unique opportunity to go green and do something special for the environment,” Millory said.

In a recent report published by the Massachusetts Department of Elementary and Secondary Education (DESE), it was found that fire alarm-related expenses accounted for roughly 35 percent of Brookline High School’s electricity costs during the 2023-24 school year. According to Millory, savings of this magnitude would allow the district to allocate more budget towards enriching the quality of education the town provides.

“This may be strange and unorthodox, but I implore any concerned parents and teachers to think of the tens of Epson projectors a rebalancing of the budget would allow us to buy,” Millory said. “Plus, I’m abhorred by the thought of us senselessly wasting valuable water and electricity on such frivolous expenditures as ‘sprinklers’ and ‘safety measures.’ Think of all the kids in the world right now who have to use whiteboards instead of projectors!”

Deputy Superintendent of Administration and Finance Dr. Susan Takens, who happened to be grabbing an apple turnover in Millory’s minifridge during our interview, chimed in to agree with Millory.

“Minus is absolutely correct,” Takens said through a mouthful of cinnamon whipped cream and apple compote. “Fire alarms are an antiquated system of the past. If any fires emerge, we can simply rely on our community and the resources we already have to address the issue.”

When asked what exactly the resources our community had, Takens looked at me as if I were a little stupid and asked if I was participating in senior assassin. I glumly told her no, not anymore.

“Well, maybe you can donate the water gun you bought on Amazon to the school’s firefighting efforts,” Takens said. “Have you ever heard of reduce, reuse, recycle? If I had to guess, it’s probably just sitting on your bedroom floor.”

Takens then realized that maybe she was being a little mean to me, so she offered me one of Millory’s turnovers.

“There are a lot of turnovers in the office right now,” Takens said. “Minus has been on a bit of a baking spree lately.”

I gladly accepted the offer. However, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and Millory and Takens both had PhDs. Immediately after I took a bite of the apple turnover, the pair was blasted into space Katy Perry-style, which forced them both to resign.

Former Deputy Superintendent of Teaching and Learning, now newly minted Interim Superintendent Dr. Nodi Notuna, attempted to take over and finish the interview with me, but unfortunately, she also had a PhD and was ejected from the building instantly. She was replaced by former Deputy Superintendent of Student Services (now Interim Superintendent) Victoria O’NoPhDThankGoodness, who thankfully didn’t have a PhD and assured me that she didn’t plan on quitting anytime soon.

“I only have a bachelor’s, so it’s harder for me to make humble LinkedIn posts bragging about my nonexistent PhD,” O’NoPhDThankGoodness explained. “Plus, that #opentowork banner looks super ugly.”

To cap off the interview, I decided to ask O’NoPhDThankGoodness if she could explain how the district came to make all those decisions about what to cut and what to keep when it came to the budget. O’NoPhDThankGoodness, who at this point had also started munching on an apple turnover, looked at me with guilt and trepidation in her eyes.

“Before you start pointing fingers, I’d like you and everyone reading The Cypress to remember that we here at the district have the paid version of OpenAI, which is 10 times more advanced than the free version,” O’NoPhDThankGoodness said. “That being said, we did ask ChatGPT to weigh in on many of our decisions.”